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- So long, and thanks for all the fish
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- The Kung Fu Panda principle.
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- How to make the world seem REEAAALLLY BOORRRIIIING
- The 2,500 year old lesson everybody ignores cos it’s too hard
- I am a police officer.
- When is a team meeting NOT a team meeting?
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- Why WIFFY’s are bad and to be squashed at birth
- First they came for the desks, and nobody said NUFFINK
- Vanity of vanities, all is vanity OR Why webstats don’t exist
- One more time… Why values are a pile of cobbler’s
- How i learned to skip with Toyota
- The man who mistook his wife for an actual change in performance
- There are only 6 graphs you’ll ever see on a performance report and they’re all rubbish. Here they are.
- If it’s too complicated to understand it’s probably total nonsense
- Can you count up to 8?
- I am totally positive
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- Thor describes my purpose
- I openly mock Myers Briggs, but an INTP would do
- The Law Of The Instrument
- Reality has a liberal bias
- Why killing Sweat Angels is the most valuable work I do all day
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- Dear Santa, All I want for Christmas is a pony
- One weird trick to design your organisation, in one easy step! (Management consultants will HATE you!)
- The Varieties of Human Work
- There really is only one test!
- The Curious Case Of The Chart That Didn’t Bark In The Night
- Looking good, Billy Ray!
- Computers are weird
- We’re number 2! We’re number 2! Yay us! Now who’s US exactly?
- I am an average employee
- How to be hopelessly untrendy
- Why you SHOULDN’T try to improve performance measures!
- The sun is in Uranus
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- Three Reasons Why National Customer Service Week Is Rubbish! Again!
- What’s the purpose of a-SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY!
- How to have an organisational detox!
- Your job is not what you think it is
- This mug cost £224,000,000
- Wanted: idle, indifferent and irresponsible staff for absurd work.
- You are no Daniel Kahneman, sir, and I would have you unhand me before I call the gendarmie
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Category Archives: public sector
If it’s too complicated to understand it’s probably total nonsense
I stand on the periphery of “improvement activities” going on elsewhere in the organisation. I see things second and third hand through organisational gossip, i.e. people mentioning phrases or names of IT companies doing work elsewhere, somewhere. I’ve got no involvement … Continue reading
Posted in clarity of purpose, command and control, public sector, systems thinking
Tagged clarity of purpose, IT projects, simple
1 Comment
Thor describes my purpose
I sit next to the photocopier at work. About 3 times a day somebody printing some papers off will ask me if I have a stapler they can borrow, to staple their papers together. This is a question I am … Continue reading
Posted in command and control, public sector, purpose, systems thinking
Tagged performance management, performance reports, purpose, thor
12 Comments
The Law Of The Instrument
I can’t stand digital by default. -How about analogue by default instead? I can’t stand digital evangelists. -How about analogue evangelists instead? I can’t stand Head of Digital. -How about Head of Analogue instead? I can’t stand digital offering. -How about … Continue reading
Posted in all wrong, command and control, public sector, systems thinking, tools
Tagged digital, digital by default, IT, TECHNOLOGY
20 Comments
Reality has a liberal bias
This is a quote from an American comedian, taking the mickey out of imaginary Republicans complaining that reality itself is as biased as the liberal-elite media against Republican beliefs and actions. It is a joke about how people convinced they … Continue reading
Posted in command and control, public sector, statistics, systems thinking, targets
Tagged Chuck Finley, mental models, targets, troubled families
22 Comments
This mug cost £224,000,000
Well the mug itself didn’t but this is the only visible sign left in this building of a SIMPLY HUGE national computer system built at the cheap cheap rate of a quarter of a billion pounds. It was a database of every … Continue reading
Posted in all wrong, public sector, systems thinking
Tagged contactpoint, mug, public sector, systems thinking
6 Comments
Are you a policy fashion victim?
I’m a big fan of Nassim Taleb but clearly he’s no fan of the likes of me. My one saving grace? I do deadlift, 127.5kg for 6 reps, Mr Taleb. He’s never heard of me, but he knows my type. I’m a … Continue reading
The Systemsy Policy Officer takes a bow
There’s loads of models of work hanging around. Everybody has one. There’s the dopey triangles with important people at the pointy end… There’s the more credible, though no less hopeful, model of a sensible organisation designing their system around purpose … Continue reading
E=Q*A FFS!
In my last post we all had a good giggle about how some improvement methods relegate the actual improvement to an afterthought, with managers doing it as a result of being sold and persuaded of a really good idea provided to … Continue reading
3 more things performance management GETS ALL WRONG
As Jay Z asserts, there is plenty wrong with performance management. And here’s 3 more! Name The reverse pantomime horse gambit What is it? An organisation decides to do something, writes down a group of words and calls it an objective/goal/priority AND THEREFORE IT … Continue reading
Posted in data, measures, public sector, statistics, systems thinking
Tagged Data, jay z, performance management, statistics
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Naughty…but nice
Say the phrase “Command and control management” out loud. Doesn’t sound nice does it? What do you think when you hear it? Things like… Call centre staff told to poo on their own time. Hospital patients dying to meet hospital targets. … Continue reading
What fresh hell is THIS?
No fresh hell sweetie. Just the latest incarnation of a stale and very familiar hell. Do you recognise this… yawning at yet another exactly-the-same organisational transformation? wiping sleep out of your eyes at yet another whizz-bang IT venture that’ll save lots … Continue reading
How to write a report (part two)
Remember last week’s post told you all about How To Write A Report? To write a lush report you’ve got to remember not to just report numbers and facts but actually do some analysing because… The purpose of analysis is … Continue reading
Posted in change, command and control, learning, public sector, systems thinking, vanguard method
Tagged Command and control, John Seddon, plans, reports
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How to write a report (part one)
Hi! If you’re anything like me, you’re an office drone who types for a living. It isn’t as important as making things or healing people, but it IS a living. One of the main tasks of modern-day typists like me is … Continue reading
Posted in communication, public sector, purpose, systems thinking, thinking
Tagged blog, communication, documents
12 Comments
Wanted: Effective person to make efficiencies
I came across a job description. It was for a Business Transformation Improvement type. The document contains the word “efficiency” or variations thereof, 4 times. All in the context of “making” efficiencies. The word “effective”, or variations thereof, is in … Continue reading
Posted in all wrong, command and control, lean thinking, public sector, systems thinking
Tagged clarity of purpose, effectiveness, efficiency, lean
4 Comments
250,000 ways to be a management consultant
Tomorrow my blog should hit a quarter of a million views. Yay me. This actually means nothing at all. It’s an arbitrary number that allows me to use the word “million” and thus transfer some glamour onto the act of … Continue reading
Posted in public sector, strategic, systems thinking, thinking, vanguard method
Tagged deming, systems thinking
27 Comments
A paper exercise
Once upon a time I had to write a plan. I was the Directorate Performance Management officer, so I wrote the Directorate Plan. I sat at my dining room table and I WROTE A PLAN. Except I didn’t. I wrote on … Continue reading
Posted in all wrong, command and control, plans, public sector, systems thinking
Tagged bureaucracy, plans, policy officer
10 Comments
I’m not touching that, it’ll do me back in!
This settee is crucial to this post , so take a good look at it. Harder. Go on, put your nose right up to it. This nasty looking thing used to be in my living room, there’s paint on it … Continue reading
When I hear the word “values”… I reach for my gin
That man was a Nazi, and this blog has no truck with that, but I have a similar reaction to talk of organisational culture, in particular, values I don’t get values. I think they’ve been spoiled for me by too … Continue reading
Posted in change, public sector, systems thinking, thinking, vanguard method
Tagged culture, systems thinking, values
5 Comments
One weird trick to outfox the Henry Ford gambit
I done got a letter from a reader! Here is a dramatic reconstruction…. Remember these two diagrams? THIS one, the usual, the boring old triangle? And then there is this one, the one thats not a triangle, the one that … Continue reading
Why I hate Ofsted
I’ve got an eleven year old in final year of primary school and Ofsted are ruining his education. Next week is SATS week. In that week children of the same age all around the country will be tested on how … Continue reading
Posted in all wrong, command and control, public sector, systems thinking
Tagged education, learning, Ofsted, SATS, systems thinking
1 Comment
How to do a SWOT
In the most strategic of rooms in my building, I found an agenda on a flipchart. It is not exceptional, it is typical. This probably happens in your building. This is how decisions are made…. *the photo is real **the words … Continue reading
Posted in communication, learning, public sector, systems thinking, thinking
Tagged meetings, swot, systems thinking
5 Comments
How to create phonecalls you don’t want
Step 1: Do something that doesn’t solve the customer’s problem for them. Step 2: Err… that’s it. A fellow onion informs me of the fantastic efforts of a Government benefits department to create phonecalls from nothing. The department has to pay … Continue reading
Seinfeld explains the great big fat work lie
******I’ve had feedback that these Gifs will take forever to load. They’re not static pics. That’s just your net speed. But it’s worth the wait, they’re HILARIOUS I promise you ******* There’s a cult of work as pure activity in … Continue reading
Posted in all wrong, command and control, customer, public sector, strategic, systems thinking
Tagged seinfeld, systems thinking, triangle, triangles
1 Comment
Why public sector IT is like a fart
A council faced with an IT product WILL buy it in the end. It’s like holding in a fart. Sooner or later it’s going to happen, and nothing can hold it back forever.
Posted in command and control, public sector, RuinedByBestEfforts, systems thinking, tools
Tagged Command and control, IT, systems thinking, tools
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Your cheatsheet for why league tables are total balls
Public Sector bodies waste huge amounts of money on total balls. One of the most futile are the self-created league tables of performance indicators, showing where their organisation is on sorted lists against other similar organisations. Even though the government got rid … Continue reading
What writing this blog taught me about pull
There’s always been a strong tang of resigned self pity running through this blog, like the reek of faeces in a brace of grilled andouillettes. This post however should truly please the connoisseur of bleak despair. Read on, and enjoy … Continue reading
Posted in change, command and control, me doing it, public sector, systems thinking
Tagged blog, pull, systems thinking
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9 more ways to tell you have a Joke Job
As per previous post, there are many types of Joke Jobs in C&C land. Here are 9 ways to tell you might have one of them. You type a lot of words. If you’re typing, try speaking. If there’s too … Continue reading
25 things (that just might work) about measuring the right thing
I’ve concocted 25 suggestions, questions, hints and tips for a colleague policy officer who has seen the systemsy light yet still faces the task that everybody else hasn’t. Here they are. One just might work. All might be complete duff. No … Continue reading
3 signs that you don’t like your customers
Public sector organisations don’t really like customers. They’d prefer you’d go away and stop making all your unreasonable demands that are quite frankly BANKRUPTING them. You keep ringing them up, walking through the door even, and worse… asking to speak to … Continue reading
Posted in command and control, customer, Demand, public sector, systems thinking
Tagged demand management, failure demand
3 Comments
Curry by default
Yes, you heard, don’t act shocked.
Do you like my piece of paper?
“Say what you see” is the latest tagline of this blog. What I see every day is people creating pieces of paper to take into a room for people to look at and decide if they like that piece of … Continue reading
Why I don’t care about the reputation of my organisation
This is Ant and Dec. They’re here to talk to us about trust. [For the benefit of my non-UK readers, they are TV presenters who have conquered virtually every glitzy shiny floored big budget Saturday evening show. They win awards … Continue reading
Posted in communication, customer, public sector, purpose, systems thinking
Tagged ant & dec, purpose, reputation, systems thinking, trust
2 Comments
How do you make it hard to find a job?
It is hard enough to find a job if you need one, but if you don’t work, the system that is supposed to support you find a job certainly doesn’t work too. It is broken at the most crucial part … Continue reading
Posted in clarity of purpose, public sector, purpose, systems thinking, systemz comix
Tagged job interviews, purpose
7 Comments
Wag the dog
Who wags the tail? Spot wags the tail. Who wags the tail where you work? I have learnt that everything starts with the customer. Resident, patient or pupil, whoever When they contact the doctor/council/police/whatever that’s where things start. You: -start … Continue reading
Posted in clarity of purpose, command and control, customer, public sector, systems thinking
Tagged purpose, systems thinking
1 Comment
How to measure a meeting
I’ve been in a meeting today! How can I tell how successful the meeting was? Measure it! With numbers! -it was held in room 42 -it lasted 75 minutes -there were 10 people -there was 1 PowerPoint -I ate 2 … Continue reading
Posted in command and control, public sector, purpose, thinking
Tagged Command and control, meetings, purpose
8 Comments
How to achieve immortality in one easy step
Do you want to be remembered in your workplace? Want to be talked about when you’ve gone as that person who…? Here’s how in one easy step. Step one… 1: Do work that helps the end customer That’s it. Whether … Continue reading
Posted in all wrong, public sector, purpose, systems thinking, thinking
Tagged purpose, value, waste
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How do YOU waste time at work?
1: Performance manage at the strategic level What is said: “We performance manage at a higher level, conversations happen between senior leaders where we challenge delivery of outcomes, and identify where performance is slipping” What actually happens: Managers gossip about … Continue reading
How to be a Policy Expert
I’m a Policy Expert! YOU TOO can be a Policy Expert if you follow these simple steps! Step 0: DON’T follow what other Policy Experts do.Most self-proclaimed Policy Experts write up policies, they don’t change things so that policy happens. … Continue reading
Posted in command and control, public sector, purpose, systems thinking, thinking
Tagged local government, policy officer, Strategy, systems thinking
4 Comments
Head-smashed-in buffalo jump
Yes, you read right. Head-smashed-in buffalo jump. For 6,000 years in North America the Blackfoot tribe ate, dressed and made their homes with bison that fell to their deaths at some cliffs called Head-smashed-in Buffalo jump The bison were not … Continue reading
Twerking or working?
Rule 1: Twerking is not the same as working! If you worked here how could you know what “work” actually was? You’ve only seen twerking. If you work in a place where you get your purpose from the mouth of a … Continue reading
How not to be loved
How needy are YOU? Take this test to find out! Question 1 How much do you want to feel loved? A: I am a strong independent soul who doesn’t need but will gratefully accept loving. B: I need a cuddle. If … Continue reading
Posted in all wrong, command and control, public sector, systems thinking
Tagged residents survey, systems thinking, twitter
1 Comment
Reductio ad Hitlerum
Everyone knows Godwin’s Law, the First Law Of The Internet that broadly says in an internet argument the first person to invoke comparisons with the Nazis has lost. I think this is unfair, not on the Nazis obviously, but on … Continue reading
Posted in all wrong, command and control, public sector
Tagged Nazis, performance management
4 Comments
What goes all the way down?
Ho, ho, ho! But stop! This can be very serious indeed. Ever asked someone why something is being done, and they’ve replied by pointing to something somewhere else, some plan? They’re just turtles too! No, it doesn’t happen. But people pretend … Continue reading
Posted in command and control, leadership, public sector, systems thinking, thinking
Tagged systems thinking
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Lazy managers make hungry children
Managers working in the public sector are starving poor people because they are too lazy to bother picking up a book. Yes, I said that. The above graph shows the reasons why people are turning to food banks because they … Continue reading
Posted in command and control, leadership, learning, public sector, systems thinking
Tagged Benefits, books, learning, public sector
4 Comments
The Charlie Watts Paradigm
You walk into a pub and ask the barman… And he says… You’d be annoyed and amazed. And you’d remain thirsty. How likely is that? Well, remember when I decided to buy a bike? Remember this man? ‘Course you do, and … Continue reading
6 things Local Government gets wrong about you
1: It thinks you care most about big projects Name several things you care about your Council doing right. It might be making sure the roads aren’t full of pot-holes. Or keeping your street free of litter and graffiti. Perhaps … Continue reading
Posted in command and control, leadership, public sector, thinking
1 Comment
One of these is unnecessary
The one on the left is an ice-cream Battenburg cake. The one on the right is an actual Battenburg cake. They both have pink and yellow bits, and are encased in sponge. Surely one of them is unnecessary, can you … Continue reading
Posted in communication, customer, psychology, public sector, systems thinking
Tagged selling
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Goodbye ICT, you’re already dead
There was a ruckus earlier between me and ICT. There was an “engagement exercise” where they came to my floor on a specific day and time, for us to “see how they work” and for them to give us “tips … Continue reading
How to start a library of dead ideas
A great big Nazi bomb couldn’t scare these gents off their knowledge. But you wouldn’t need a bomb in most organisations. Not because people don’t like knowledge, but because you need a memory to have knowledge. Memory and knowledge aren’t about memorising lists of facts, like … Continue reading
Posted in data, information, learning, me doing it, public sector
Tagged failed ideas, museum
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5 harsh truths you’ll wish you’d learnt earlier
Entirely understandable but…epic fail. No need to give up your own thoughts and copy everyone else’s! Inspired by this, and copying this virtually to the letter, here are “5 harsh truths you need to learn so you can live with your … Continue reading